Father Knows Best, Or Does He?

“I will always forgive you for thinking the way you do, because
I know you think you are acting in my best interests.”  ~ Gigi Chao

DSCN2047   (c)2014 HLamb

     I hardly ever watch the news or keep up with current events because the news stories seem to be nothing more than sex scandals and Hollywood drama. Yesterday however, an MSN news story caught my eye. The article was about a Hong Kong property tycoon father that has publicly offered millions of dollars to any man that could woo his daughter away from her same sex partner in marriage.

I was immediately enraged that such barbaric acts of selling one’s daughter as if she is nothing more than a commodity even existed in today’s world! This article triggered me deeply, for I am experiencing a similar situation with my own father. My father has always thought he knows what’s best for me, and does everything in his power to try and create “his” projection of “that best” onto me. As a result, I have allowed myself to never feel “seen” or loved by him.

When I told my father I was getting divorced for a second time, I envisioned him being proud of me for speaking my truths and being true to what I needed out of life. I wanted him to “see” me for who I was, and praise me for my strength to leave a situation that I was drowning in. I wanted encouragement for whatever I do and faith that I will be okay, because I am being true to who I am. Love and support to do what I needed to do for me, even if that didn’t mesh with what he thought was good for me. I wanted permission to go be happy no matter what my happy looked like.

Well, wishful thinking did not work in this case and I got the reaction I have always gotten from my dad and it was none of the above. I got lectured about money, working hard, saving for the future. Lectured on how I have never married a man that is good enough for me, or made enough money to provide substantially for me. Told that working hard and making money is what life is all about, and I was being foolish to do what makes me happy when that does not guarantee paying the bills on time.

All I was able to say was, “Dad, your right, is not my right.” I am not sure if he heard me, because then our conversation moved to when he and my mom got divorced. Suddenly I could see how much anger and pain he still holds onto attached to a divorce that was over 20 years ago. He was so wrapped up in his pain, and his projections of what he thought his daughter deserved, that he couldn’t “see” me for what or who I am, he couldn’t even see himself.

I cried and screamed in anger for 3 days straight trying to process through the grief and the waterfall of emotions that arose from this instance. What I came to realize, is that he is doing the best he can with what he has. His own life experiences and hurts color his world onto others. It isn’t about me. It isn’t that he doesn’t love me. He in fact loves me very much the best way he possibly knows how.

Once I was able to clear my head and see the dynamics for what they were. I worked my way through the anger, hurtfulness and resentment by just allowing myself to feel all of those emotions. What I found on the other side of the pain, was grace, peacefulness and a lighter heart – for I finally understood what I had failed to understand 42 years of my life.

I was reminded of this when I read the article about Gigi Chao, the 34 yr old daughter of the millionaire tycoon. With such beautiful grace and dignity she lovingly reached out to her father and asked him to try to see things a little differently. She didn’t react with fear and anger for being treated like a commodity, she lovingly said to him, “I will always forgive you for thinking the way you do, because I know you think you are acting in my best interests.”

That forgiveness is so powerful it brought tears to my eyes. Gigi realized what so many of us forget sometimes. The fact that we are all doing the best we can with what we have. And what may look like behavior that is hurtful, may actually be behavior that is coming from a place of love. It is all in the perception of the beholder.

Love & Light,

~ by Heather on January 30, 2014.

One Response to “Father Knows Best, Or Does He?”

  1. Great piece! I’m glad you are in a great place. Now only great things can happen my friend!


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