Killing Me or Making Me Stronger?

“I can’t tell if life is trying to kill me or make me stronger… because I should be long gone by now!”

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“Down, but not out… admist the chaos”

 

Just when I think I have reached my final breaking point and can’t take it anymore, I get a swift kick in the ass! As if I didn’t hurt enough already! Really universe?!?! Sometimes a swift kick is just a reminder that you aren’t really as down as you think, even though it sure feels like it in that moment.

Enough is enough. I am tired, I am fed up, and I just really don’t care anymore. I have spent my whole life taking care of other people, putting their needs ahead of my own and making sure they are okay, even if doing so makes me not okay. As Dr. Phil would say, “And how’s that working for you?” Well, it isn’t working Phil, and instead of blaming the entire world like everyone else tends to do, I am changing it by myself for myself! Even though ‘doing so’ sucks big time!

I have moved four times this year. The most monumental, from Colorado to Oregon. I hate moving. I hate all of this crap I have collected. Three kids and two marriages will do that. I have been trying to find a safe place to ‘land’, and doing so has been much harder than I had anticipated. Unforeseen circumstances led me from one place to another, until I felt I could no longer survive one more transition. Finally, last weekend, I was able to move into a more stable living arrangement. It is not forever, but it works beautifully for now and I am thankful!

I have learned something about myself this past year, and it is that I cease to function properly without somewhere to call ‘home’. I literally shut down if I do not feel like I have a ‘home base’ or ‘mission control’ established. The last few months have felt like I was in some sort of a holding pattern, just hovering above… waiting for the clouds to break so I could make my descent.

This move was exhausting, both physically and emotionally. The majority of my belongings were in storage an hour away, and the coordination of timing between getting out of one place to another and all the logistics in-between resembled one giant cluster fuck. I moved to a town where I knew no one, other than my landlord, her husband and their secretary. My youngest son and I came here to start over, to start fresh after leaving behind a life that just ‘wasn’t working’ and was killing us, slowly.

We moved ourselves out of the downtown apartment Friday, and then I had hired two men to load my truck at the storage facility. By the fourth time, I thought wise to pay someone else to do it. Well, the problem with hiring someone else, is that you have to accept the fact they will not do as good of a job as if you had done it yourself. These two guys were the biggest douche bags with no sense of spatial organization whatsoever! They didn’t handle my belongings with care, and packed so carelessly I thought a five year old would have had better logic! There was no method to their madness, other than the fact they were just plain idiots. When I would interject about their placement they would get all defensive and make egotistical comments like, “We know what we are doing lady.” Ummm, yeah, no you don’t. You are both idiots who are trying to ‘act’ like you know what you are doing, but in reality you are just idiots, plain and simple.

By some miracle they managed to fit everything into the truck despite their carelessness. Blake and I drove the truck back into town and unloaded it by ourselves, in the dark, in the rain and were able to move everything out except two large mattresses. A desperate phone call to my landlord, led me to two college boys who gladly came over at 10 PM and moved the mattresses along with two dressers upstairs. Fifteen minutes, $50 bucks and some beer – the truck was now empty. Mission accomplished, but barely.

During the course of unloading, Blake turned to me and said, “Mom, have you noticed that people are kinda jacks here? All these people have walked by and haven’t offered to help or even said hello.” I had noticed. I noticed the neighbor peeking out her blinds watching our every move. I noticed the other neighbor walk by twice and look at us but not say one word. Several other neighbors had also walked by. “Yes honey, I did notice. People can be jerks.” He observed what I notice all of the time, and that is how people don’t help people usually. They stay guarded, keep to themselves, and God forbid they offer help to a stranger! I have raised my children NOT to be that way. I reach out to strangers all of the time. If I see someone who needs help and I can, then I do without second thought. In that moment I saw Blake realize that most people don’t do what I do, what he would do, and it was unsettling for the both of us.

The next morning I returned the truck and had to rent yet another smaller storage unit in town. On the drive back, once I knew we had done it, I began to cry. I know these are all choices I have made, and I take full responsibility for them. However, sometimes I get so tired of being the one having to always keep it together and make everything okay. When I laid down that night alone, I longed for the feeling of having arms wrapped tightly around me, telling me everything was going to be okay. Because even though I tell myself that, and even though I tell other people that, I wasn’t entirely sure if I was going to be okay.

I always seem to figure out a way, usually by the skin of my teeth. I don’t have a plan, I never have.  Funny how things somehow manage to work themselves out anyway. I always have said that things unfold at exactly the right moment, just as they are supposed to if you step aside and allow it. But I am human, I have my days when I struggle and doubt.

One day at a time, one breath at a time, for right now I have a safe place to call ‘home’. That may not always be the case, but I am sure I will figure something out… I always do!

L&L

~ Heather

~ by Heather on November 3, 2014.

20 Responses to “Killing Me or Making Me Stronger?”

  1. The fact that you were able to push yourself into a better life for yourself and your son is inspiring. You didn’t give up and you are truly a very inspiring individual that I am beginning to look up to. I truly believe that you can find your way out of whatever maze you’re thrown in. Keep preserving!
    And abut people being rude. I know what you mean. I live in New York lol. Not everyone is that way but there are times where I see people walk by completely indifferent to those in need.
    With your resilience you’ll make it anywhere

    Like

    • Thank you for the vote of confidence, I think I’m just really too damn stubborn to get pushed down and stay down 😉
      I don’t understand why people don’t reach out to help and support one another more. It makes no sense to me whatsoever.

      I can’t stand people who become victims of the very choices they made and then blame others for their own creations. I refuse to be one of them, and if I can inspire others to take charge of their own lives – well, then so be it. We only have control of ourselves, so I encourage people to take a look in the mirror first before pointing that ‘blame’ finger.

      Thank you for the thoughtful words of encouragement, they mean a lot! Love your blog and your writing…you are gifted 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I remember the year I had to move 4 times! No wonder I’m now a minimalist and hate collecting “stuff”! Perseverance is wonderful trait though.

    Like

  3. You’re a survivor and that’s your legacy. Keep doing that, never let up, never give up. Life doesn’t have the balls to keep you down.

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  4. Always always always making you stronger. Everything has a purpose and a plan in your life, and one day that too will come to fruition. Hey what a couple weeks for you!!! WOW.. and I missed ya. Hey.. you can’t really enjoy the hard times without going through the ruff ones. luv ya gf.

    Like

    • I know, I know, but somedays I feel like saying, “Ah….to hell with it!” Nobody can be ‘on’ all the time and it’s perfectly okay to be perfectly ‘imperfect’ 😉
      Thank you for the reminder…
      And yes, hard times do make you appreciate the good times so much more! I must be getting ready for some good ass days, that’s for sure! Hope all is well in your little corner of the universe 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You’ve dealt with a lot this year!!! You sound like a very strong woman even though you may not always feel that way. Wishing you well Heather.

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    • Thank you for stopping by heather! I don’t know if strong is the right word….. Maybe stubborn as all hell and super pissed off would be more appropriate? 😉

      Like

      • Whatever you need to be to get the job done? Go for it!!! Being pissed off has accomplished a lot of change in my life. It’s a great motivator. LOL As for stubborn… well… I happen to think stubborn is a great word. It is given to someone that sticks things out even when the going gets rough. 🙂

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      • Guess that makes you guilty as charged now doesn’t it?
        Onward fellow warrior 😉

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  6. I love your language of open, authentic truth. I get a clear sense of your character & desires. I am stoopid without a safe secure home. It’s our foundation & haven! I can soooo relate. A must have. Thank you for sharing your trials, lessons & blessings ☺ it’s inspiring. Many thanks also for visiting my blog! I’m honoured. Peace, love & light, jules

    Like

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